Dear Breakfast Club,
My wife and I need some help settling a dispute that has been bothering us for a while now and we've both decided we'll go with whatever decission the majority of your listeners decide.
Here it goes: our 28-year-old daughter has been away from home for five years, and my wife and I do what we can to support her.
She has a steady job . . . but we give her money when she needs it . . . and on top of that, we're still paying her car insurance.
We're happy to help her, but we know she wastes a lot of her money when she goes out with her friends.
Here's the question. At what age should you cut off your kids financially? Is our daughter too old for her parents to still be helping her?
She's on vacation and out of the city and the radio this week so we're hoping you'll read our letter while she can't hear it.
Signed,
The Parents
22 comments:
STOP PAYING.............. if she is old enough to be out on her own and working fulltime......
19 years old if they are not attending a secondary school!
I think you should only continue to support them if you have the needs and they have decided to further their education!When school is done the support is done!
I had no support and am very thankful for it because it has made me truely ndependent and responsible, in turn my family only makes financial decisions that fit into our means and are truely blessed.
Rose, age 25
Our son just moved out last November at age 20, he is a great kid, but we felt it was a mistake on his part, but we let him fly. He is now 21 and we have helped him out with buying him stuff, groceries, BBQ etc. When he says he is going out with friends, I usually drop him $20.00 and I just gave him $100.00 for a new helmet for his hockey hobby. He is doing great, he has a great job and doing very well. He keeps saying he wants to move home, but we think he has been out on his own to long now and really he is doing great financially. My husband and I help him out with car insurance and we would rather help him out this way and let him have his independance, we think at this point he would be making a mistake to move home cause he doesn't like spending his money on bills, well welcome to the real world. But I will always be there to help him and he won't have to ask, its just something we want to do and it makes us feel good. I think it is an individual decision, there is no right or wrong. Life is a struggle and when you have support it makes live easier for all, someday he may have to return the favour for his "old ma and pa".
J L
I wrote the book on spoiling your child!My daugher is 34 years old and just two years ago her father and I stopped paying her car insurance. She has been on at least three vacations in the winter and her father and I have never been on one.About six years ago when we had to remortage our house because of the money we had given her, she had no guilt -- she said --- "Mom you are the mother and you could have said No!"Your child will never stop depending on you unless you just stop.Remember that as parents, our money earning years are just about over.Be there for emergencies only would be my advise. Don't become your child's "lottery for live"!
I agree, stop paying for her regular expenses. If there was some kind of financial emergency, like her car broke down and she did not have the money, that's different. She is working and should learn how to balance her budget. You are not doing her any favours by paying her way. It's time for you to sit down with her and offer to help her budget.
STOP SUPPORT YOUR ADULT CHILD! When they are working full time, that is when you should stop support them. They need to learn how to make it on their own. The more you give, the more they will keep coming back. LET HER GROW UP!
I don't understand people today. I can not imagine to want or take something from my parents. It is time for me to give back not still take. I think in hight school get a part time job and start buying your own clothes and toiletries. Then work your way through college and then treat your parents once you graduate and start working full time. NEVER take money from them when you are working and MOVE OUT. They don't want to say it to you but they have had enough of you and are ready to take their lives back for them. Their job with you is done. Encourage them to travel and spend every penny having fun. IT IS NOT YOURS TO INHERIT!!! WORK FOR YOUR OWN!!!!!
i think the answer is clear, you do have to stop if you want her to become independant and self-supportive in order to eventually grow into a family of her own. Think back to your own upbringing. would you have expected that from your parents? Did you do it on your own?
if she has a good job and is almost 30, then she needs to learn to stand on her own even if it means that some pays there has to be more $$ going towards bills and less towards the fun stuff. it is a learning process. Let her know if something urgent comes up that is beyond her means then you will be there for her if you can but she shouldn't automatically expect it. And yes, help her budget her life. Treat her to gift certificates to her favorite places for her birthday and special occasions. Once she reaches some goals on her own she will grow more as a person and a self-sustained adult.
MNaybe find friends of hers that are doing it on their own to use as examples. She will thank you in the long run.
She should be paying for herself, if she can go out and spend a bunch of money with her friends to have fun, she can pay her own bills.
It would seem she is not responsible enough to be on her own if you are having to support her to this extent on a regular basis. I moved out at 22 in my last year of University only working part time and my roomate and I sacrificed plenty to pay the bills, I never got handouts from my parents because they taught me to be responsible for myself. There was occasions where something out of the ordinary arose and my parents were there to help (a unexpected car repair for example) but overall she is 28 and working FT you need to cut the cord for her benefit as much as your own. The fact you mention she is on vacation says it all, if she cannot pay her own bills she should NOT be able to go on vacation...no matter how large or small the vacation is. I know the value of money and respect my parents for teaching me that lesson.
I find it ridiculous parents "supporting" their adult children. She is 28!!! She has a steady job! And you're willing to give and give to support her unreasonable spending habit and partying!
There's something seriously wrong with that picture!!!
OMG, I can't even believe the question...stop paying..28 years old...when is she going to grow up...welcome to the real world...
Sometimes we can help people so much that they don't know how to help themselves.
Your daughter is a young adult and she needs to appreciate the value of $1 and what lifestyle her income affords her. She needs to learn these lessons now, so that she can one day pass them along to her children so they too can be self sufficient and make wise choices.
By all means, you can and will be there for when she has an emergency. But for now, she's an independent young woman and needs to be self sufficient.
She might not thank you now for that. But one day ... she will!
STOP PAYING......
Well as a 32 year old independent woman myself I believe if she has a good job and is out on her own she should pay her own way. She needs to learn how life works, with minimal help. I have been on my own since just before I turned 19, I had a bit of help in emergencies in the early years, but have always paid my own insurance and bills, my parents did not pay them. However they do help in other ways, but not money related. Hope this helps. Because I have payed for things myself I have learned what I can and can't afford to live with or with out.
You're not doing her any favors...she needs to learn to budget within her means, which she'll never do as long as you keep helping her out. Spoil her with the occasional birthday and Christmas gift, but draw the line there. The most important thing you can do for her as parents is be supportive, encouraging, and accessible- and NOT give her spending money, or pay her bills. Kris, in Fall River
I believe that once they stop going to school, any level, they should be cut off of regular support. However, If there is an emergency, of course you should help out if you can.
I moved out of my parents house when I was 16. I put myself through college while raising 2 young children and was a single mom for the most of my 20's. I had to do it all on my own, working/school. Occasionally, if I needed a few bucks I would ask my parents for a loan which I had to pay back. Today I am married and have 2 teenagers to raise with no help from their father, and I am teaching them that things in life don't come for free and they need to "earn" money to pay for the things they want. If they do their chores, they get their allowance, if they don't, they get zip. Hopefully when they move out they won't be trying to sponge off me like this 28 year old is doing to her parents. It's time for her to put on her big girl panties and pull up her socks and live within her means.
28 years old and you folks are still giving her money and paying her car insurance? Enough is enough, tough love needs to kick in at some point. If she can afford to go on vacation, go out partying with the friends then she can look after herself. If not, then that's the lesson she'll need to succeed. She's on her own and working, time to let go. That's terrible that she is doing that to you, that's abuse!! You say you're happy to help her, then why are you complaining?
OMG, you both need to grow backbones. She's spoiled and irresponsible. Cut her off now before you end up spending your retirement fund on her. Jeez!!
When I was a kid my parents purse strings were tight. I had jobs since I was 12 and bought my own toiletries like someone said. They helped me with college and allowed me to live at home with no threat of kicking me out. As I found my way I struggled but I always lived with in my means as I was taught unlike many of my peers. When I started doing better and became responsible my parents purse strings started to loosen. They offered to help me when I was buying my first house. 7 years later when I built my 2nd home they helped more. The feeling I have today knowing that I got here due to my hard work and my parents love and pride for me is not replaceable. So I say never continuously pay your children's bills. Let them earn your help by proving themselves worthy, after all that is how life will treat them. I will leave you with a saying that my Mom always told me. "Take care of your pennies and your dollars will take care of themselves"
stop paying - but be avail for her if unexpected expenses come up - to loan her money - NOT give. If she were attending school this would be different
did u expect the same from your parents when u were 28?? I don;t think so
Kim
Dartmouth
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