Dear Breakfast Club,
I've been listening to you guys for years and I've never contacted you before but I need help. My daughter came home from Fort McMurray two weeks ago and informed us she was getting married in the spring. I tried to fake happiness for her but she could tell I wasn't 100% pleased.
Here's the problem. I think her fiance (my soon to be son-in-law) is a total loser. He's going to be terrible for her. I don't think they'll last five years and by that time he will have sucked the life out of her. She's 25 years old and has been on her own for two years.
Should I intervene and tell here what I'm thinking or should I just hold my tongue and help her get ready for the wedding?
I have no idea what to do.
Signed,
Mother of the Bride
21 comments:
No. Don't let them. Sit her down and give a talk.
There may be nothing you can do about talking her out of it but as her mother you should at least be able to voice your opinion whether it's something she wants to hear or not. That way if it doesn't work out she can't say you didn't try to tell her it was a mistake.
I don't think the mom can do anything. If she interferes she will just alienate her daughter. She has to hold her tongue and be there to pick up the pieces if need be. Maybe the guy will surprise her.
Good Luck
She should absolutely NOT but in..... Her daughter will probably marry him anyway and she will hate her mother for the rest of her life..... and then where will she be... Look at it thos way they live out west you will probably only see him once a year.... She is old enought to make her own decisions. And in 10 years when she gets a divorce she will she her mother was right and remember you are suppose to love and support your daughter unconditionally....
Be there to support her. Stand by her and trust that hopefully she will figure it out for herself. Trying to interfere will just cause problems. She obviously sees something in the guy that you don't so stand back and let her plot her own journey. Trust that you have done a good job in raising her........ and if some thing bad happens down the road, be there to help her pick up the peices.
Absolutely talk to her but with loving gentle words. Don't attack her! I was married at 25, and now divorced and I wish someone had sat me down. I didn't plan to raise a child by myself... Ask her to step back and imagine spending 24 hours a day with this man and god-willing being the father of her children.
If you tell her, that her fiance is a loser and isn't right for her, it will most likely cause problems between you two.
My suggestion, ask lots of questions (nice ones) while you're helping her prep for the wedding. Ask her how they met, what she loves the most about him, etc. if she can't answer them, she may come to realize he isn't right. If she can you may discover that he isn't all that bad.
Get to know the guy too. Ask him the same type of questions, get to know him, ask the two of them if they have a plan for their marriage. If they have all the answers they've probably thought this through well.
... I'm 20 years old, in a relationship that will lead to marriage in a year or so. If my mom out and out said she didn't approve I wouldn't listen and it would cause problems between me and her. If she inadvertently made me realize this wasn't right, I'd thank her in the end.
The mother should let the daughter know why she thinks she shouldn't get married but that if she decides to go ahead that she will be supportive. This way the mother has had her peace and the daughter has made her choice. I don't think the mother should have to live with the anxiety, stress and guilt of not having spoken up.
good morning ,
i beleive it all depend on the relationship history between the mother and the daughter... never forget that the daughter is a grown women now and .. well if the mother has never provided advice in her life before , why now ? and not only that , the advice IS an Advice.. not an order . ((( sorry for my writing ability english is not my 1 language and i am late for work.... )) have a good day!
tourlou
Lucie
I know its hard to let go when its your own daughter, but I think interfering can only cause problems . If things don't work out down the road chances are the daughter won't want to hear an "i told you so" so probably won't come back to you for support. She's 25, an adult, you have to let her make her own mistakes (or not) and be there to help her up if things don't work out.
You never know they may surprise you.
Talk to your daughter for sure, be diplomatic, not harsh .. tell her how much you love her and are worried about her. Don't refer to him as a "loser", he might prove you wrong down the road. In short words, express your concern, but respect the fact that it's going to be YOUR DAUGHTER'S decision.
Being on the daughter side of this situation, I wish my mother had've told me how she felt and then let me make my own decision. At least then it would've been in my head and made me really think about it. Maybe she could suggest a longer engagement but other than that, voice her opinion and stay by her side, let her make her own mistakes IF that's what it is. Don't push her away, she will need no matter what happens. J.
It's your daughter's choice not yours. Love has no boudaries and you can't help who you fall in love with. She obviously see's something in him you don't. Let her make her own decisions she's a grown woman and it's her choice.If it fails it fails and that's not your doing or your fault. Maybe your not even giving the guy a chance. Ever hear "don't judge a book by its cover?" I am 27 and just got married this past summer and my mother said to me "its okay honey if you want to back out no one will be upset at you if you do" You may not like him but just give the guy the bennefit of the doubt!
I think that the mom should voice her opinion and not pretend to like him when she doesn't but ultimately the decision has to be her daughters. They have to learn to make their own mistakes. If the mom interferes then there would probably be hard feelings between them. She should just emphasize that her daughter's happiness is her only concern and be there to support her whatever may happen!
Thats what moms do!
you need to be there to support her. I had a similar sitiuation 30 years ago, only i was the daughter... my mother and i didnt speak for many many years because she did interfere. moraql of my story, i lost tooo many years with my mom... i married him,, stayed married for 15 years then divorced him..I did make a mistake but i lost so much more with my mom , rather than my ex.my died 6 years ago and we still didnt really work it all out, i lost her and my ex.... my advise: support you daughter, allow her to make her own mistakes
She's not going to learn any life lessons if you don't let her do anything herself. She's 25, I'm pretty sure you should trust her by now. If she is happy, that's all that matters.
Ultimately , the mum has no say in this matter. The mum needs to respect her daughter's decision. If the mum wants to impose her objections & interfere with her daughter's impending marriage, the mum better be prepared to never hear from her daughter again.
Definitely talk to her. Ask her questions but don’t interrogate her. I’m in my mid twenties and if I were to get married and my mother didn’t like the guy and let me marry him without saying anything she wouldn’t be my mom. Moms are supposed to challenge their children as children challenge their parents. If you say nothing you will probably carry the quilt with you for years to come and if something bad happens you will probably blame yourself for not speaking up. At least if you speak with her about the situation then you can come to some kind of internal peace. I mean you wouldn’t have written to C100 if you were not feeling uncomfortable with the situation. Please do not however think that speaking with her will change her mind. Changing your daughter’s mind should not be your goal in speaking with her. She is an adult and if you raised her correctly then she can make her own decisions. If she stands behind her decision to get married then support her 100%, simply just ask her if she is sure she thinks it’s a great idea and why? Get her speaking and then listen! She might talk her own way out of it. Listening is key! In closing I wish you and your daughter all the best of luck, mother and daughter relationships can be tricky!
WELL NOW WHAT IS THE REAL REASON YOU DONT LIKE HIM SINCE YOU NEVER GAVE IT? DOES HE STAND HIS GROUND AROUND YOU AND YOU DONT LIKE THAT PERHAPS?
PERHAPS YOU ARE ALWAYS MEDDLING IN THEIR LIVES AND ARE PUTTING YOUR NOSE WHERE IT DOESNT BELONG? HUMMM
MY ADVICE IS THAT YOU BUT OUT AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS SHE IS OLD ENOUGH TO REALIZE HERSELF WHAT CHOICES SHE WISHES TO MAKE IN HER LIFE AND DOESNT NEED A BUSYBODY MAKING THEM FOR HER CASE CLOSED :)
Hi, I had a friend one time who met and fell deeply in love with this guy I knew of in another province. His father was bad news and this guy was following in daddy's footsteps all the way. This guy knew that my husband and I knew of him thru various conversations we had and in a very polite way he told us to stay out of it. We did. Less than a year after the grandest wedding I have ever attended took place, he went balistic and threw her out of the house and she walked barefoot to her parents home not far away. He was charged and went away - again -for a while. She never saw it coming and to be honest we thought that this guy was good to her and maybe had a change of ways from what we had heard.... Nahh...
In the end she admitted that some of her family had tried to open her eyes and talk her out of it but no to avail - she was in love. She eventually found out what we knew and she said that she would not have listened to us anyway and it would have ruined our friendship so it turned out better that we didn't say anything. This lady I speak of is a very prominent person in Halifax's music scene and is loved by one and all. She was overcome by love and thankfully in the end it turned out fine.
The moral of this story is, the parents of my friend couldn't stop her but they were there for her in the end. They voiced their concern and then had to stand back and wait, which they did and then opened their door to her when she had to come to them - albeit in barefeet one cold snowy January day.
Voice your concern mom and then stand back. I have two daughters and hope one day to be able to take my own advice.....
It depends on the maturity of the daughter, and the degree of respect the daughter has for mom's opinions. I would gently identify my concerns; however, I'd be supportive of her decision and try to appreciate what it is in the guy that makes her want to "hitch her star to that wagon." Mom needs to try, and daughter needs to know. It might go over like a fart in church, but at least everyone is on the same page.
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